This real asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, “Is that Corona or Budweiser?”
I said, “There’s a tap underneath, taste it.”
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there.”
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said to her, “Great legs.”
The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so?”
I said “Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now.”
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
“Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
“Jesus loves you.”
A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.